Self-less Christmas

My friend Beth told me once that getting married made her realise how selfish she was in areas of her life. Suddenly, you have to think for your respected partner and spouse - life decisions cannot be made entirely around personal desires. Yet Beth is one of the most lovely people I've ever had the opportunity to get to know, and definitely un-selfish at that!

Christmas often reminds me of greediness and hoarding. Months of desiring things we don't really need, fuelled by clever advertising and pretty packaging. Unless of course you're a student like myself; in which case Christmas becomes an opportunity to receive all the 'essentials' you ran out of in June, but haven't been able to afford to buy.

I headed to a friend's house recently to celebrate Christmas in true party style; expecting a big lavish and delicious dinner, cheesy music and ridiculous games. Instead, they treated their guests to rice, bread and water. More than half the world's only Christmas Dinner.

My friends have an amazing and inspirational heart for the poor and the lost, and their desire for the evening was that amidst the flurry of presents, food and festivity we would take time out to remember the great many others who won't get any of it. Those for whom Christmas Day is just another 'lucky' day of survival. I was struck by their boldness, but challenged.

'He was little, meek and helpless... tears and smiles like us he knew'

One of my highlights of the pre-christmas week, was watching the BBC series 'The Nativity'. It was very moving, emotional and real. And it hit home the crucial part of God's plan that I realised I so often forget: He came to save us from our own Human iniquities. Kings AND Shepherds worshipped him, bringing all that they had.

God astounds me.

The challenge as I left my friends house was to contribute the money I would have spent celebrating with them that evening to someone in need, perhaps blessing someone I didn't know. And then, like Beth, I realised how incredibly selfish I was too; trying to justify plenty of other self-centred causes that could use that money.

I still haven't decided what I'm going to do with that money. I do have it set aside. I'm praying and hoping that God might tell me soon; and trying to look at my everyday with a 'godly' perspective.

What I do know is that I ate less this Christmas. I felt 'full' quicker (which might also be because of my Cousin's incredible cooking...) and in my contentment endeavoured to remember those that weren't eating anything at all. Most of all, I bathed in the knowledge that Jesus came for me too. And you.

The first cut is the deepest.

On the 20th October 2010, George Osbourne announced over 81 billion pounds worth of cuts in our economy. I feel for the guy; someone had to make those decisions and whoever it was had a barrage of public anger coming their way. And in actual fact the decisions he has made aren't as bad as everyone had expected - dare i say some of them have been good decisions.

Making decisions is not something I am very good at. If I had the country's economy at stake, we would be in crisis (not least because i can't actually count very well... let alone work out a four year financial plan!). Making life decisions isn't like deciding which handbag i should buy - but i most definitely wish it was.

Recently I've had much reason to scrutinize my own decision making ability. I moved to a new place and found rather swiftly that it wasn't for me at all. I had made a seemingly bad decision. Perhaps my choice to move had been overshadowed by other ideas? Perhaps I had wished such an idea into reality? This remains to be seen. I had to make a good decision; and all the best decisions in my life seem to revolve around coming back home.
It got me thinking about the tough decisions that God must have to make.

Shortly after moving home, my family and I experienced the loss of an incredible, vivacious woman who was dearly loved and close to our hearts. She was an 85 year old lady with true guts, personality and sheer determination! She had a fondness for life and lived it pretty much to the full. She attended practically every birthday, baptism and other notable family occasion and was like a third grandmother to me. I will never forget her jovial demeanour; and will miss hearing her characterful east end accent ring through the house on a Sunday afternoon as she does the drying up for my mum; or sits in our living room knitting her next project for homeless children in Romania. I missed her as I celebrated my 21st birthday last weekend; and will continue to miss her at other occasions that I know she would have loved to be at. As Cat Stevens wrote in the iconic song of which this blog borrows it's title: 'When it comes to being loved she's first, that's how I know.'

But missing people only evokes memories; and allows us to engage in the beauty of remembrance. I will never forget her last conversation with me: 'I think you made the right decision, my girl... I really do think that'. I am not the only one who is home.

God makes hard decisions. He makes them for us - saving us from making the decisions ourselves. He can, because he's already made the ultimate decision - weeping as we weep, bearing our pain and mourning with us. It's not an easy decision to give up your one and only Son to die. This cut was definitely the most painful.

'No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord'. (Romans 8:37-39)

It's OK to take each day as it comes. It's OK to have things you had planned fall apart and realise that you need to trust in God again, more than ever. It's OK to feel like no-where's home, because ultimately we have a home in heaven that will be greater than this one on earth. It's OK to make decisions that will surprise and disappoint people when they are the only pragmatic solution for you. It's OK to remember.


I'm learning to trust the only authority that I know; and believe that He has it covered.

Choosing to delight

In an odd twist of fate, I received an unconditional offer to Kent University a few months ago, and finally have accepted it. Despite initial protests, I will finally be attending university. It's such a bizaare realisation to come to. After many months of convincing myself that i would either marry well or fall into christian youthwork - it dawned on me;
sometimes we don't need to try too hard to decipher God's calling on our lives. sometimes God just gives us the right to choose.

I want to study something I'm passionate about, and something that I don't know much about - that would interest me. I want to stay close to home and I want to have the ability to be as financially secure as possible. I guess that if you dig deeper into those statements, it can be discovered that deep down, I am scared of studying for no reason, scared of being too far away from my parents and scared of being broke. It's not rocket science.

But lately the bible verse from Psalm 37:4 has struck me. 'Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart'. What is it to delight in God? Do I truly know how to do this?
What I do know, is that God knows my heart's desires, and with that he also knows my fears and he holds them close to his heart. He knows my worries about moving too far away from home, studying academically again and being broke and he's got it covered.

So far I've seen God's hand move immesaruably in my life. God has kept me safe moving to Watford, living in a wonderful house with housemates that only God could have ordained for me to know. God has ended relationships in my life that were unhealthy, and distracted me from focusing on him. But God has also given me the ability to choose all these things - to want to go to Watford, to want to have relationships with boys that weren't too good for me, and to want to go to university.

Our life isn't always about being 'called' to a certain path, discerning if that is the right one to follow and acting accordingly. I worry sometimes that this christian jargon prevents us from being selfish with God, and honest about what the desires of our heart truly are. We have forgotten what it is to delight in God. To delight in who He is, what He is and how almighty He is. And delight doesn't just mean mild acknowledgement of this fact; it means truly rejoicing and magnificently reflecting on that, and on Him. To this end, God gives us the desires of our hearts; and the great part about it is that when we truly delight in God, these desires aren't clouded by worldly perspective or personal gain because in realising Jesus, we realise that these things are irrespective. It is when we place these limitations on God that these desires aren't met and we get disappointed, seeing the lack of response as worldly failure rather than kingdom gain.

There is a classic line in Little Women where Amy says: 'We're all going to grow up someday Meg. We might as well know what we want'. I am in no way fully grown in Christ and I love that I never will be, but I do agree with Amy. Someday, I will be in heaven with Jesus - and it will be rocking. Until then, it's OK to know what I want, and to desire it - as long as I am also truly delighting in the Lord.

God gives us choice; and if our creator is powerful enough to move mountains and calm storms, I happen to believe that if I ever made a wrong choice - He'd let me know pretty quickly. And that's what's so awesome about my God.

'Praise does wonders for a person's hearing'

The above slogan was recently proudly displayed on the notice boards outside the quaint little baptist church down our road. I don't normally pay attention to such notice boards, but this one definitely caught my eye - surprisingly it was catchy, thought-provoking and simple. If only it had been discovered before; it would have been marketing genius for the christian faith!

I've been thinking alot about praise.....it's a funny concept. Whilst I am familiar with it, and am aware that I have SO much to praise my God for, I am also aware that I will frequently limit my praise to specific acts of devotion, such as quiet times and church services. What is a 'heart of praise' really like in my life?

Everybody likes to be praised. I remember fondly my primary school teacher dancing for joy on my table and praising me for using the word 'presumed' at the age of eight. (Apparently such vocabulary was a rarity for someone so young. Incidentally, this teacher remained one of the biggest inspirations in my life to date). We like to know we have done something right - and more importantly, we love to get the credit for it. We even like to receive praise when it isn't us that deserves it. It's true: Praise does wonders for a person's hearing.

God's creation is blooming marvellous. Let's be honest - he did a great job. I don't know anyone on this earth that would have succeeded in creating something as complex, complete, intricate, beautiful, awesome and terrifyingly powerful as this earth. He did it right. And he SHOULD deserve the credit for it.

One of the most important things I am learning this year is to develop a heart of praise, and a heart of worship. It's one thing to know music, to read chords, to hear melodies and play them together. It's entirely another to use this as a personal language between you and God, whilst remembering all the other things in the meantime. A heart of praise comes from truly being in Jesus Christ; in knowing him and through loving him. It sound cheesy, and many great philosophers such as Matt Redman and Tim Hughes have already quoted similar things to this prior to my musings, but there is method in their madness! I would much rather praise and worship my God alone in the silence of my room, and His voice, than with a thousand people witnessing it - and that's the clincher.

The trinity is a complex doctrine. I still don't think I completely understand it. However one thing I have learnt about it recently has blown me away. We are IN God's son. It's like looking at a map in Bluewater with a big 'YOU ARE HERE' arrow pointing us straight at the Son, rather than John Lewis. The Trinity isn't a distant idea, we're a part of it. God wants us to be a part of it. It isn't just about giving our lives to Jesus and surrendering to him - it's about becoming a part of something unique, that can only have been created by the death of Jesus Christ.

That's intense, but that gives me even more reason to want to praise. I've been reading Jeremiah for the past few weeks, and have a favourite verse stuck on my bedroom wall:
'This is what the Lord says:
Let not the wise boast of their wisdom, or the strong boast of their strength, or the rich boast of their riches. But let those who boast, boast about this; that they understand and know me, that I am the Lord who exercises kindness, justice and righteousness on earth, for in these I delight'. (Jeremiah 9:23-24)
I want to boast in Jesus. I want to praise his name, in the silence and the noise. Funnily enough, it's doing wonders for my hearing too.

Remaining Humble with my faith held high

'Consider what God has done;

Who can straighten what he has made crooked? When times are good, be happy; but when times are bad, consider:

God has made the one as well as the other. Therefore you cannot discover anything about your future'

(Ecclesiastes 7:13-14)

It's like I've seen the light! I have come to the understanding that in actual fact, I cannot predict my future, and reflecting on the past few months of my life most certainly confirms this.

After what seemed like months of waiting, I moved to Watford from Croydon at the end of October to begin a new job and new life in a new home, with new friends, new responsibilities and new challenges. I have loved it, and all that it has brought and will continue to bring.

But the past two months obviously have not been without their challenges, including:

1. Learning to cook on a budget, which we seem to have cracked by discovering the 'reduced yellow label' trick and shopping at ASDA. We have also discovered that someone from our church lives less than 100m up the road, and she brings round quite alot of food...

2. Learning to live with a whole new set of people. I love my housemates, and it has been a real gift from God that we have gelled together so well.

3. Being geographically challenged in a completely alien place. I have succeeded to terrify my passengers with my 'london driving' on several occasions. It's not how they do it in Watford, apparently.

4. Learning to survive the pressures of working for a brand new, even more hectic church than my last one in Croydon. This church is even bigger, even busier and completely exhausting at times! It's also got alot of 'Christian fame' and dealing with that is harder than I expected.

If you were to have asked me five years ago what I'd be doing right now, it wouldn't have been this. I could never have planned this in a million years - which is poignant really because I didn't plan it. God did. If it was left to me, I would be slogging my way through law books right now, probably being very miserable.

It is humbling to think that whilst I fumble through life worrying and making plans, God has it sussed. My ambition for the year is to remain humble, faithful and reaching for Jesus. It's not to get 'famous' or walk into a job, or to avoid making proper decisions. I believe that I love Watford so much because God called me to Watford, and it's exciting to be seeking Him to see where he's going to call me next. I plan to remain humble, and keep my faith held high (and I thank Dan Blackburn for that gem of a quote). And funnily enough, I have a good idea that this probably fits into God's plans too.....

My Grandma

Everyone has two types of Grandmother: The nice one and the strict one, or at least I certainly did!

My nice Grandma is cuddly, buying sweets when my parents had previously denied me them, giving me money when I didn't need it and baking wonderful cakes. My strict Grandma didn't do any of those things. In fact, the closest I ever got to a thoughtful gift was the ability to choose a Bible of my choice for my sixteenth birthday. I already had four bibles but I grasped the oppurtunity as this was a vast improvement on the most common Christmas gift I received, blank video tapes - a gift I had to contend with two Christmas' in a row.

I'm not the best at relationships with members of my external family. It doesn't help that there are so many of us (I am one of seventeen cousins) or that we live at such different corners of the country. Modern technology and social networking has been a great help for the cousins as we all attend different universities and begin new jobs. Unfortunately, my grandparents aren't as technologically savvy, and keeping in contact with them has been much harder.

I recently went to stay with my 'strict' Grandma. In all honesty, it was an arrangement of initial convenience -I had planned a weekend with some friends, and staying with my Grandparents gave me free accommodation. Prior to leaving, I can't say that staying with my Grandparents was the part of the weekend I was most excited about.

However, I think that the weekend I spent with my Grandparents was, in actual fact, one of the best weekends I've had there in a long time. I felt welcomed into a warm loving and hospitable Christian home (warm being a rarity with my money saving grandparents). I was given plenty of food (again, a rarity with my grandmother) and even a front door key! I even attended church with them on Sunday; TWICE.

At my grandparents church that Sunday evening, my presumptions of my Grandma were drastically changed. Sitting alone after the service, in an unfamiliar and slightly odd church, I was approached by a gentle, quiet old lady.
'I haven't seen you before. Are you new?' She asked.
I replied that I was just visiting, and explained who I was. Much to my surprise, when I later pointed out who my Grandparents were, I was astonished at her response.
'Ah, Hannah. It's lovely to meet you. I'm in a prayer triplet with your Grandma. We pray for you very regularly. It's wonderful to finally put a face to the name'.

My respect for my Grandmother suddenly rocketed. I had no idea that this woman, who previously I had perceived to be judgemental and uncaring was totally the opposite - she just didn't need to tell everyone about it. I was humbled by the knowledge that all this time, whilst I have strongly disliked her, she has continued to pray for me. And equally humbled that a woman of her age is such an awesome woman of faith, regularly meeting with a prayer triplet and remaining accountable.

I have alot to learn from those older than me. From those a few years my senior to those reaching the end of their lives, I know so little about life, about faith, about God and about following Him. I want to be a woman of faith like my Grandma. And I want to be humble, like her. I might not dig her choice of Christmas presents, but I definitely dig faith like this.

I might just go and pay a visit again.

Passionate about Jesus

There is an annoying box underneath my profile picture on my Facebook page. I don't think anyone really knows why it is there - but it is. The content amongst my many Facebook acquaintances ranges from the obscene to the philosophical, but all largely detailing some aspect of the individuals life that it is crucially important that I know prior to meeting them.

I have a continual love hate relationship with Facebook, Twitter and any other time wasting/social networking/communication/'important feature in your life' device. I love that I am able to communicate easily with people who live far away or that I wouldn't otherwise be in contact with. I hate that it swallows my time, is unashamedly addictive and ironically encourages me to keep in touch with people that I wouldn't otherwise be in contact with.
My little box on my Facebook page reads: 'I am passionate about Jesus Christ. I have 30 pairs of shoes. In my spare time i like to watch rugby, read and play my guitar called Eric.'

It is not crucially important that those who don't know me read this information. What is important is that I am passionate about Jesus. And I want people to know this via any means possible, Facebook, Twitter, the whole social networking community.

This summer has been a massive summer in my life. I experienced life changing events on my first missions trip to Moldova, met important people at various festivals throughout the summer and finally left my job a week ago. I went from being lukewarm about God to passionate about being a disciple of Him in the space of six weeks. I have fallen in love all over again.

Moldova is a tiny country, dealing with a troubled political and economic past and a corrupt leadership. There is much poverty, alcoholism, prostitution and sadness throughout the country. Working in a tiny village in rural Moldova was challenging and hard, painful to heart breaking. Despite the hardships there is a minority of the community out there dedicated to relying and trusting on God's faithfulness, truly believing he provides; trying to evoke hope in a dying nation. It was utterly humbling. The Moldovan locals were able to communicate a desperate passion for Jesus: without the little Facebook box. They didn't need mere words to express their life, they lived it fully, humbly and gracefully - qualities that universally translate.

I am Passionate about Jesus Christ. I do have 30 pairs of shoes (shamefully). I do love rugby, I do love reading, and I do love playing my guitar (which again, shamefully, is in fact called Eric). My next challenge is to live my life fully, humbly and gracefully - or in the words of Micah 6:8 ' to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with your God'. I don't need to use words to do this.

I might delete my little Facebook box. I might keep it. Or at least delete the bit about the shoes...